- Being in the wickedness
- April 20th, 2009
I'll tell the story.
When in school age, seven years old, I was a little bugger filled with joy and promise. I had a bad influence, but that influence was so sweet too. I was noble, I was mean, I was kind... I was a crazy kid in a positive way - Still being crazy.
School was dirty. The other kids there were umm... had ugly thoughts and ways. They weren't loyal or anything, not all. They weren't noble above short-term satisfaction or perversion. I was only crazy sometimes, but some other kids - they were perverted in some way it seemed. I was curious about the less perverted ones though. Those! Those became my friends. It wasn't my fault that they were also prone to be nerds later, of course not all of them so much. I was prone to computers myself too.
Okay, then I had this crazy idea of kissing girls when I was nine or ten years old. I pretty much harassed my class girls then. Maybe one of them liked me afterwards.
I lived my days in spurring fantasies, escaping the reality which wasn't kind or light, but dark and destructive to me. Boredom was the language of self-destruction, and the uncreative. Soon I came to feel no boredom at all. A computer game that kicked the heck out from my hours completely billed my parents, because I used to play it online and the phone call connected me with the rest of the game battling world. I was addicted, but it made my life good for a while. Very good.
Except I didn't do so well with the many girls around. Some did! Maybe they had their moments.
Thinking afterwards I feel like I'm less than I was those times. Maybe I lost the crucial parts of life. Became a loser or something.
Today, I can think I'm not that.
I am free, completely okay with the universe and able to do things. I am healthy and young, capable of change and vision.
Whatever, I just want to BE. To the fullest!